Subject: "Screen Paralysis"
Laptop open. Laptop close. Laptop open. Laptop close. It feels like I would just open up my laptop, get blinded by the screen for 5 minutes, check socials and close. I don’t play any games. I don’t talk a lot with friends over calls nowadays. I feel overwhelmed and just close the lid. The past few weeks felt like trying to move through honey and I think my sanity is dropping.
I just… don’t feel like doing anything? Usually I either play games on my laptop or do something productive and I’m quite literally stuck between a rock and a hard place. My controller contracted stick drift recently and most games are literally unplayable with it. I have yet to take it to the repair shop due to circumstances so I have just kept it tucked away in the closet.
Doing something productive comes in waves for me. I usually think of an idea. Either a problem comes to me and I want to fix it or I see something new and want to try it out. My mind works in projects - I tend to put all my energy into 3 to 4 day bursts and wrap up with the work. My brain has become accustomed to this loop of seeking novelty but getting the dopamine equivalent of eating cardboard.
These projects are ultimately what end up being published here on Monospace. The time it takes between projects is totally random. There’s a lot of life happening in between which doesn’t get documented here all that much. The downtime in-between projects is agonizingly boring. It feels like a limbo because I don’t really have a clue what to work on nor do I have the motivation to keep going.
Coming up with new ideas is not that hard but building up the motivation to actually execute it is. I like to put a certain quality to my work and don’t want it to be just some thing you brush past. I have these grandiose vision in my head but trying to bring them out into physicality just feels difficult. It’s times like these I would resort to escape but even escape doesn’t exist for me.
What I ultimately want to say is that things just feel a little numb at the moment. Playing the same games, studying the same chapters, listening to the same music. I’m so burnt out from life, I just need a mental 'palate cleanser' now. If you relate to this, welcome and have a seat. This is a safe space for us. Goodbye.